Roxanne's Serendipitous Journey to Becoming a Mom

After years of accepting a future of no children due to a PCOS diagnosis, Roxanne found herself on a surprising path to motherhood. Discover how her journey from planning to foster care to unexpectedly reversing her diagnosis through lifestyle changes transformed her life. Along the way, her story is sprinkled with serendipitous moments and humorous anecdotes, such as cravings so intense that a friend suggested a pregnancy test, leading to a joyous discovery.

Self-advocacy in healthcare becomes a focal point as we unpack the sacrifices and strengths required for pregnant women, especially women of color, to assert their needs in medical settings. We hear from Roxanne about the importance of seeking out supportive healthcare providers who genuinely listen, illustrated by a powerful narrative of leaving an inattentive doctor for a team of caring professionals. This conversation speaks to broader societal issues in maternal health, urging all women to find empowered voices in their pregnancy journeys.

Parenthood brings various challenges and rewards, and in this episode, we tackle both single and shared parenting experiences. From the complexities of single parenthood to navigating disconnected familial relationships, we explore the myriad pressures and joys that parenting brings. Through Roxanne's candid storytelling, we find gratitude in the small, tender moments with children and the profound resilience required to face unexpected events, such as traumatic births, with courage and strength. Join us as we celebrate the power of shared stories to foster understanding and connection.

 Music Credit
https://uppbeat.io/t/nick-petrov/reflection-point
https://uppbeat.io/t/fass/airport-lounge
https://uppbeat.io/t/konstantin-garbuzyuk/the-glow
https://uppbeat.io/t/mark-july/fly-high

Transcript

Stephanie Theriault 0:00

Welcome to the Maternal Wealth Podcast, your space for all things maternal health, pregnancy, birth, and beyond. I am Stephanie Terrio, a labor and delivery nurse and a mother to three beautiful boys. Each week, we dive into inspiring stories and expert insights to remind us of your power in giving birth and motherhood. We're here to explore the joys, the challenges, and the complexities of maternal health. Because every mother's journey is unique and every story deserves to be told. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to replace professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult with your healthcare provider for medical guidance tailored to your specific needs. Are you ready? Let's get into it. Today, I'm excited for you to meet Roxanne. She is a fairly new mother to an almost one-year-old son, sharing how a PCOS diagnosis many years prior shaped her journey into pregnancy and motherhood. She speaks about the serendipitous events on the day her son was born, almost exposed how it's all connected. Please note, towards the end of the podcast, our little ones join the conversation. I decided to leave it in the recording because we are mothers after all.

Roxanne 2:01

Good morning, Stephanie.

Stephanie Theriault 2:14

How are you doing? I'm well. I'm excited. How are you? I'm doing good. We had a little rough start getting the recording together, but we're in a good place now. Yeah, we hit the ground running. Roxanne, could you start by sharing with us how you found out that you were pregnant? So when I was about 19 or 20, I was told that I had a really severe case of PCOS. It was a very classic. It looked like a pearl. They used to call it a ring of pearls and that my eggs weren't maturing properly and that if I ever wanted to get pregnant, I would probably have to go through in vitro fertilization or some sort of assistive pregnancy. So I sort of accepted it. You know, I kind of processed it early in life and really didn't think too much about it. I come from a really big family, so I knew that I would be capable of loving a child that wasn't my own. So I considered fostering and I actually had started the process of becoming a foster parent.

Roxanne 3:24

Oh, really?

Stephanie Theriault 3:26

I did. Because, you know, there's just so many kids that could use some love. I wanted to foster older kids, specifically girls, so that, you know, there was a positive female influence in their life. And I felt like I was perfectly capable of doing that. So I went back into the office. We will work from home since the pandemic. And then last year in January or so, we went back into the office. And prior to that, I had a health scare and decided to get healthy. I lost a ton of weight. I was eating well. I was really taking really, really good care of myself and didn't realize that I had reversed my PCOS. Okay. My cycle started coming on time. It started coming regularly. Okay. And again, I'm just not even thinking about pregnancy. So one day I'm standing in line at the cafe at work with a good friend of mine and I crossed my arms and I was like, oh, my God, my boobs hurt so bad. It must be because we're back in the office. And, you know, my cycle might be syncing up with other women or something like that. You know, a lot of people are like, oh, your cycle is syncing up with other women. And I was like, oh, maybe that's what's going on. And she's like, or you're pregnant. And I was like, that's not it. And she's like, okay, just humor me. This is like the third time that you've complained about this breast tenderness. And humor me and go take a pregnancy test. She said, if it comes back that you're not pregnant, I will pay you for the pregnancy test. Because apparently I had been eating French fries a lot with mayonnaise, ketchup, and hot sauce on it. Which to me doesn't seem very weird because I like how that tastes. But apparently I had just been eating it like almost every day and not noticing it. So back then I used to smoke off and on. And whenever I went out with my friends and we were drinking, I would smoke. So that the weekend prior, I had been out with my friends and I had like a couple of cigarettes left. And usually I would just throw them away. But for whatever reason, I had them in my car and I was like, you know, before I take this test, I should go smoke a cigarette because it'll be like the last cigarette that i ever smoked and i was like she has just gotten into your head just go take the stupid test and you know you'll smoke after and i swear to you before i even put the stick on the sink the two lines popped up oh my goodness what is happening you know you see like on those romantic comedies they kind of stare at themselves in the mirror like holding this, you're like looking at yourself and I'm like, this is not real. So I had gotten a double pack. I immediately use the second one and the exact same thing happened. And I was like seven pregnancy tests later, I finally accepted that I was actually pregnant. It was the funniest. I mean, just, I took like a picture of it and I sent it to my, you know, my close circle of people and, I was just like, guys, we're going to be parents. It was pretty funny. So that is how we found out. So I was five weeks when we found out. Okay. And which was extremely early, but I had the most intense breast tenderness. Really? Oh my gosh. If it was cold, And my nipple would get hard. It was the most, like I would cry because it hurt. Really? Yeah. I had never felt anything like that before. Like the first indication. And also I had really bad headaches. Okay. And I had actually, I found out on a Tuesday that I had actually made an appointment with my primary care doctor because I was convinced that I had a brain tumor. Oh, really? Because my headaches were so bad. Oh, because of the headaches? Yes, they were so, so, so bad. But I never had any morning sickness. My entire pregnancy, I had no morning sickness at all. Okay. Other than that, that was like the worst of pregnancy for me. I had such an idyllic pregnancy until the end. So did the headaches end up going away? They... tapered off so they would come and then they would go but there was nothing like that first trimester the first trimester I had like a six week long headache and then throughout the pregnancy I would get them every once in a while but like a nap or something would just you know it would subside after that how about any other symptoms with the pregnancy did you get any sciatica um I didn't I had oh I had really bad carpal tunnel oh really I've seen that the carpal tunnel It was horrid. I mean, I ended up having to get an FMLA certification for work because some days I just couldn't type at all. So I had to wear braces all the time. Heat would help a lot. And I had bad carpal tunnel up until this was probably about three months old. Really? Yeah, I couldn't even breastfeed because I couldn't hold him well enough without, like, I just had a weakness in my wrist holding him, you know, the football hold. And we tried different holds, but nothing was comfortable enough for me to be able to actually hold his head where it needed to be, you know, especially those early days when they need so much help. Right, right. But during my pregnancy, I kept reminding myself that a happy safe mom is the best mom for him if he was fed he was fine I didn't beat myself up over things that could be easily rectified so if he can't breastfeed I can at least pump and give it to him in a bottle and if he didn't like the breast milk there was a thousand different types of formula on the market that he could drink I absolutely committed to not driving myself insane with things that could be fixed. He needed a mentally sound mom. He needed a mom that was happy and that could love him and could take care of him. That's what he needs. He doesn't care what he's getting fed as long as his belly's not rumbling. Exactly, exactly. So that was really the goal. But that carpal tunnel was unlike anything I've ever heard described in pregnancy. I didn't even know that was a real thing. I've seen it sometimes with my patients in the OR. When patients have their arms out laying down and they have the carpal tunnel, they're in a lot of pain and they have to keep their arms out for a while. So I've seen that a few times. Yeah, it's no joke. You just have this weakness or pain constantly. And I was really worried about it because I was like, I've got to hold this baby all the time. And my midwife just told me, she's like, you just got to drink a lot of water. She's like, I promise you, it is going to go away. It's just going to take a little while. And slowly but surely, it definitely went away. It's completely gone now. But It was a tough go. And you know, that's one of those things that a lot of people just didn't talk about. I've never heard about anybody having carpal tunnel because of pregnancy until I was just kind of complaining about it. I was like, my wrists really hurt. And she was like, Oh yeah, you have pregnancy induced carpal tunnel. I didn't have a lot of sciatica. I had a big baby. Um, so yeah, His dad is six foot five and I am five foot three. Okay. They expected him actually to be small because I have high blood pressure. I had it before I got pregnant and it was maintained. It was well controlled, but still that kind of can cause him to have intrauterine growth restriction or he could just be a small baby. So I went every month to get scans and he was well above average at every single scan. And he, He was born at 37 weeks and six days, and he was over seven pounds at 37 weeks. So I was on track to have a 10-pound baby.

Roxanne 11:55

Yes, you were.

Stephanie Theriault 11:57

It's so funny. It was, he was, oh God, he was so heavy. And I remember my cousins, they saw me very early in pregnancy. I think I was about four months along when they saw me and my belly got big very fast. So they saw me at four months and then they came back from my baby shower when I was about seven months. And they were like, oh my God, you look like Mr. Potato Head because my belly was just so big and you just saw the arms. Thank you so much. But he was big, so my back hurt. I didn't really have sciatica, but I was just always very achy. Okay. But I didn't have any swelling. Like I said, no morning sickness. I had really intense breastaches almost the entire third trimester. Really? Yeah. So when I went into labor, I didn't even realize it. I just thought I was uncomfortable. I was like, oh, my God, these stupid cramps again. And a lot of people say Braxton Hicks don't hurt. They don't really feel them. And I had a lot that didn't hurt. But I also had a lot that sort of doubled me over. And I was like, oh, this might be it. I mean, I was like sending a text at least once a week to my support team. Like, hey, guys, I think the baby's coming. Oh, never mind. They stopped. Yeah, those practice contractions. Yeah, yeah, they were. I want to ask you, I heard you say you had a midwife. What was leading up to your decision to have a midwife opposed to an OBGYN? I originally had an OB, and I'm sure being a nurse that you've heard this, that women of color, the mortality rate is just so high.

Roxanne 13:42

Mm-hmm.

Stephanie Theriault 13:42

And of course, you know, the medical community is working to rectify that, but that is decades, you know, decades of work still needs to be done. So I had a OBGYN that was a white woman. She, I saw why the maternal mortality rate was so high. And I immediately had to advocate for myself. And I was like, I just can't do this. I'm not going to stay here. And I let her know why. You did. I absolutely did. I absolutely did. And I was like, I'm not going to stay here and let you kill me or kill my child. She was very absent-minded. And it's funny enough, I ran into some nurses of hers who used to work for her. And they were like, that's exactly why we left. She just cared about stacking patients. She would see like 50 patients a day. Yeah, that's way too much. Yeah. I went in one day and my blood pressure was a little bit elevated. It wasn't super high. And I was like, you know, I'm having a stressful day. I wasn't really feeling so great. I think that's what it is. And she was like, I'm going to up your dosage of medication. And I was taking 100 milligrams and she was going to up it to 200 milligrams. And she sent in a prescription for 400 milligrams. Oh my gosh. For which medication? Was it... Was it labetalol? Labetalol. Yes. Okay. Also, labetalol has contraindications for people with asthma. And I have asthma. So I was telling her, I was like, you know, I always feel really short of breath. Like I'm always breathing really heavy. And she's like, oh, that's just a side effect of pregnancy. Everything was just a side effect of pregnancy to her. I had some bleeding early in the pregnancy. And I was like, you know, I've been bleeding. And she's like, oh, that's normal for pregnancy. She didn't ask how much I was bleeding. She didn't ask what it looked like. She's always just, that's normal. That's pregnancy. I don't feel safe here. And you are going to kill me and my child. And I already have a high risk pregnancy and I am old and I'm leaving. And I just got up and I left and I came home and I was just like, I have got to find another doctor. And I was able to find a black OBGYN who was here locally, which is very hard. We just don't have a lot of them. So I was able to find a black woman and I went to, to her practice and they like this whole intake process when you're transferring from another doctor and it was a white midwife that I was talking to and she said we can ask you why you're leaving your previous practice and I was like well I'm going to be honest with you and I told her what happened I said I don't feel like a white doctor was listening to me and she was like and we know that to be true It's just like, I can tell you here, every single nurse, doctor, midwife, assistant, aide, everybody will believe you the first time you say something. And we're going to look into it every time you say something. And I just felt so much more at ease. It's just like, hey, we can let you see the doctor, but you really don't need to. The midwives can handle it. The midwives are here. Like, why don't you give it a try and see? And yeah. If you don't like it, we'll schedule you for the doctor. And I absolutely fell in love with their midwives team. And I actually went to a supportive care group where it's, you know, moms that are due around the same time as you and they teach you all kinds of stuff about pregnancy and parenting. And it was wonderful. It was a wonderful, wonderful experience with the midwives. And because I had a complex birth, I ended up actually having the doctor that I went to the practice seeking. She's actually the one that did my delivery. So it turned out well. I love that you did that with the first OB. You said what you need to be said because these providers need to hear it. They need to hear that this kind of treatment is not going to be tolerated anymore. And it's great that you advocated for yourself early on and did what you need to do. You removed yourself from the situation and you found people who are going to listen to you and take care of you. Absolutely. And I think a big part of that was being a mom, you know, and I've realized in that moment, like I am someone's mom and I am 100% in charge of taking care of him. And I have to advocate for him starting now because I'm his mom now and he needs me now. And, you know, I think as a mom, you probably understand this. You can do whatever you want to do to me, but do not mess with my kid. I hear you 100%. And, you know, I sort of realized you have to set the scene now that you are not going to tolerate anything crazy when it comes to your kid. And that's what I did was in that moment, let her know that I see you and I see what you're doing. And guess what? I'm not going to tolerate it. You know, more of us need to do that. Not just women of color, but women in general, you know, are not always known for standing up for ourselves. We're not always known for putting people in their place or removing ourselves from situations that are not exactly what they should be. You know, men do it all the time. Why can't we always do it? So it was definitely one of those moments where it really made a big impact that you are someone's mom and he does need you to stand up for him all the time. It's important too for our listeners to hear. Anytime that you feel that the care that you are receiving is safe, you can leave and go someplace else or you can ask for a different provider. In the hospital, there's always somebody else. If it's OBGYN floor, ask for the hospitalist. There's always another doctor or a midwife. Even if you're about to give birth, advocate for yourself and get somebody who will listen to you and be loud because they will listen. If you stick me and you can't get the blood and you stick me again and you can't get the blood, I'm not going to let you stick me again. There's somebody else that might be able to do it a little bit better. I've had to do that for myself. This was not fun. You know what I mean? And at the end of the day, especially when it comes to your care, you're paying for this. Your insurance is paying for this. Someone is going to bill you for this. You are paying for your service to be provided. And if the service is not what you think it should be, especially when it comes to your health care, then you can go somewhere else. It's just like a restaurant. If you don't like the food, you don't have to go back to it. You got a new provider. You feel seen. You feel safe. You feel heard. You progress into your pregnancy. And then what happened? I think one of the biggest parts of my pregnancy was my son's father and I talking about his involvement in his life. So the last time that I spoke to him was around the five-month mark, when I was about five months along and tall. And then I let him know that when the baby was born and that was the end of our relationship. We haven't spoken since. He and I dated for years off and on, probably 10, 12, 15 years. We've known each other forever. And it was really like a very fun, kind of sexy, non-committal, but enjoyable relationship. union, right? We went out to dinner, we watched movies, we cuddled, we did all of those things, but we never really took it very seriously. Personality-wise, interest-wise, we weren't extremely compatible there. But on a surface level, a very, I guess, superficial level, we enjoyed each other. So we hadn't spoken for maybe five or six years at one point, and he ended up having a child with another lady. Prior to that, we talked about kids and he had a really traumatic upbringing, not to really put his business out there, but he had a really traumatic upbringing and he wasn't able to have a relationship with either one of his parents. His mom passed away and it was really hard for him. So early on, we both said like, hey, no kids, I can't have kids. He doesn't want kids. So it's really not a problem. And then we reconnected a couple of years ago. He's like, yeah, I had a daughter. And as much as he knows, he loves his child. He would kill for her. He's like, I just can't connect. You know, I just don't feel that connection. Like, I think I should. And, you know, he doesn't have that connection. So he doesn't know what that connection should feel like. That's it. He was like, I was like, you know, do you want more kids? I still don't think I can have kids. And he was like, no, definitely not. I don't want any more kids. So that was something that I knew. And then when I got pregnant, we talked about it. He was just like, hey, you know where I stand on this. I'll support you, you know, whatever it is that you want to do, but you know how I feel. And I knew that I could force him to do what he was supposed to do. I know it could be like, this is your child and you have to be involved and I'm going to take out a child support order and I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that. And, you know, you have to come every second Saturday to pick him up. But why would I do that? Why would I force someone to have a relationship with this miracle when there's so many people just waiting to love him. I have been very, very lucky, very, very fortunate and blessed to have a great family. They're so in love with my son. I'm yelling at someone every day to stop spoiling him. It's so funny. My sister ended up moving in with us because she hated having to drive back home and leave my son Oh, really? Yeah, she was like, I cannot keep doing this. Like, I cry myself home because I don't want to leave them. You know, and when you have that type of love for your child, I'm not going to force anyone to love them. And I know that this is a big argument in the community of parenting of whose responsibility is it and If the man says that he doesn't want a child, why would you force him? And, you know, he laid down to make that baby just like she did. And it's a huge argument. And what I say to that, again, is that my child needs a happy mom. He needs a mom who is devoting her time and her attention to him, to teaching him how to exist in this world, teaching him how to have ambition, teaching him to be free. teaching him how to take care of himself, teaching him how to cook a meal, teaching him how to navigate the politics of life and dating and friendship and, you know, being a black man in America and being a son and being a grandchild. Like I have to teach him all of these other things. Why would I spend any of that time arguing with someone? You know, that's my outlook on life. And I mean, it drives people crazy when I say this, but life is extremely simple. We complicate it with our emotions and with our beliefs. But life is very, very simple. If he doesn't want to be a dad, he doesn't have to be a dad. But I want to be a mom, so I'm going to be a mom. And it's, you know, it's easy to say because I come from a place of privilege. And because I was so, so much older when I had him, I was a little bit more financially stable. You know, I have a single mom family who is here and, you know, will pick up a box of diapers if they see them on sale. And, you know, my dad found Aquaphor. He's Aquaphor in his skin. My dad found Aquaphor on sale and he bought a bunch of drugs. You know, I have that level of support, which everybody does not have. So I do come from a place of privilege when it comes to that. But I do think also if I didn't come from a place of privilege, I would still have the same belief of, I'm not going to let you stress me out. And you hear these horror stories of people hurting their children and hurting the mothers of their children. Do I believe that his dad would ever do something like that? Absolutely not. He has never, ever shown me a side of him that would ever make me think that he would hurt me physically. But you know who else said that? Every other woman who has been hurt physically by a man. So I made this decision for myself and for my son that we just wouldn't have a relationship with him. And I let him know. I said, hey, if you ever want to get to know him, you're welcome to. I'm not closing that door at all. And I don't plan to speak negatively of his dad to him because I always say it. I'm like, I can't hate him because he gave me the absolute best gift I've ever received in my life. How can I hate him? I think a lot of the time when we get angry and frustrated with the men in our lives and the dads of our children, I think it's because we're wrapping emotion in there that doesn't need to be there. Him abandoning me, I guess, yeah, I could be mad about that if I wanted to be, but I don't need to be. You know, I personally think that I had a better pregnancy because he wasn't around, you know? And I think my postpartum journey was better because he wasn't around. I hear a lot of moms talk about the frustration they feel with their partners, you know, that, oh, I have to wash all the bottles and I take care of the baby all day and he can go to work and he can do this and he can do that. And I don't, I don't have that frustration because I was mentally and emotionally prepared to be doing all of it myself. I didn't expect anyone to help me. So, you know, I don't have that resentment. I don't have that frustration. I don't have the anger I would probably feel if he was around. And I'm thinking, you know, he doesn't visit often enough or he's not doing enough. I don't think about that because I expect absolutely nothing of him. You know, so it definitely helps. And I had a super happy pregnancy. I was able to work from home my entire pregnancy. I had a very flexible work schedule. Funny enough, things just kind of happen the way that they need to, but my job implemented a unlimited PTO policy for certain, depending on the rank, how long you've been there and, you know, progress reviews and all this kind of stuff. And I was lucky enough to fall into the category that did get it. So I, you know, did not ever work a full work week. My boss was really cool about things, and as long as I hit deadlines when they needed to be hit, she was perfectly fine. I would take naps during the day. Oh, okay. Yeah, I really, really got to enjoy my pregnancy. My family was there. Everybody was super supportive. I had the most perfect baby shower. It was just a real time of joy. My Unfortunately, my mom passed away years ago, but my dad was super excited to become a grandfather. My sister is super excited to be an auntie. He's an only child. He's an only grandchild. He's the only nephew. He is spoiled, rotten, and he's full of personality. Everybody was so excited for him to be here. He's the only child to be born in about 20 years on my mom's side. And I think like 14 years on my dad's side. So everybody was so happy. And everybody that meets him, they're like, he's such a happy baby. And I'm like, all he knows is people playing with him all day. You know, all he experiences is joy. I don't think he even understands if someone tries to be mean to him. He just starts laughing. So, you know, and I think, you know, how can I be upset at someone for giving that to me? I don't have to split Christmases and birthdays with anyone. It's kind of difficult at two o'clock in the morning when this baby's crying and you're stuck by yourself. But other than that, you get past those days and you really see the benefits. The mornings are tough, right? Two in the morning and you're bottle feeding too. How did he do with sleeping early on? He was not a bad sleeper. He's actually a really good baby overall. he just adjusts to things very easily. And I think that made it very easy. Most of the issues was mine. It wasn't really his. It was me being very anxious after he was born and sort of staying up all night staring at him. You know what I mean? But there were those two o'clock in the morning where he was crying because he was a very, very gassy baby. And the trapped gas, you know, we would do the bicycle kicks and really warm milk and all this kind of stuff to help him pass it. But that's just babies. Like they're just, you know, their stomach is not in the right position quite yet. And there's a lot of, what do they call it? They spit up all the time and there's just a lot of gas trapped in there. So that's pretty much the only reason he would be crying all the time. But those nights were hard. He got a UTI when he was about five weeks old. You know, the doctor was like, it happens to little boys. So I had him circumcised outside of the hospital. So I had a really traumatic delivery. And I just could not put my baby through anything else. And I was like, I do not want him getting circumcised here. You guys don't numb it. I don't want him feeling that pain. So no. So I took him to a urologist at UTI. the children's hospital. They numbed it. They kind of calmed him down before they did it. You know, I felt a lot better about that. So apparently baby boys who are not circumcised, they tend to get UTIs more frequently. So he had the circumcision on a Friday and by Wednesday he had a UTI. And they said it was probably just a timing issue. And I caught it very, very early, but he did spend one night in the hospital just because he was so little. You know, they just, that's their protocol and they keep them overnight to make sure that he gets the right amount of antibiotics and that he's responding to it appropriately. And that night was the night that I like got hit with single parenthood. That's when I felt it because it was all very like honeymoon period prior to that. It's like, oh yeah, he's a baby, but I'm prepared for him to be up all night. So it's fine. But sitting in the hospital by myself, you know, my dad had been with me all day and then he went home And my sister came and she brought me some clothes and a blanket and stuff to spend the night. She brought me food and that kind of stuff. But it was just me with the baby overnight. And I was like, wow, this is what I have to be prepared for. This is the really hard stuff that I'm going to be doing by myself. And that was really like, wow, this is single parenthood. And this is the less glamorous, the less happy-go-lucky, oh, I made this great choice part of it. It's like, God, I wish his dad was here so that I could share this stress with him. Even though my family was there and everybody was texting me a hundred times, my sister kept telling me, hey, I'll come spend the night with you guys. I was just like, you know what? I've got to rip the bandaid off and I've got to be able to do this kind of stuff by myself without freaking out. So that was probably the toughest part of it. You know, the I was prepared for the 2 a.m.s and the crying and all that stuff. I'm one of those people. I'm a planner and I'm a prepper. And I like to make sure that I know everything that I can about anything. So I did so much research about pregnancy and postpartum and the postpartum period and what to expect with the baby. So the crying never really, even now, the crying really doesn't bother me. It doesn't really bother me. As long as I can figure out what's wrong with him, I'm fine. But being in the hospital definitely was probably one of the toughest parts to his whole childhood thus far. You got through it. You did it. And then you move on to the next day with parenthood. You just keep going. Exactly. Because the next thing comes and you just do that. And then the next thing comes. Yeah. I mean, that's parenting, though. That's parenthood. In a nutshell, it's sort of just figuring out how to get through this tough moment. And then you kind of soak up all the fun moments in between the tough moments. That's kind of what keeps you going. Yeah, it's those good moments that kind of just... I don't know, for me, it's just like kind of overlays the very difficult moments. It kind of just like softens the blow a little bit. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I soak those up because even, you know, right after he has just been a monster from bedtime, you know, he's funny and he's crying and he's fussy and he's flailing about and he's headbutting me twice already in the mouth. Once he goes to sleep and he sort of snuggles up next to me, I'm just like, this is what it's about. it's that little snuggle and you realize they're just learning how to be people you know I mean we go through it too it's just apparently it's more acceptable for adults to have tantrums but you know it's worth it I think that's the part a lot of people don't talk about is how worth it it really is and it's an experience that only a parent will understand before being a mother and having friends with children, I had no idea. And then when I became a mother, I'm like, oh, I can remember even for a cousin of mine, I sent her a message. I had no idea. You know, she had her kids earlier than I did. And I'm like, I had no idea how, how it was and how difficult those days are. And I wish I was there for her more. Yes. Yeah. I had the exact same experience. I was like, I don't think you really can comprehend until it happens. And I was actually talking about this recently with a friend of mine, that having a baby is very similar to a death in the way that you're processing things. In that so many people experience it. So many people lose family members and friends that are close to them. And no matter how similar our experiences may be, Every single experience is completely different at the same time. And that you really don't understand the intricacies of what is going on until you personally experience it. I've had so many people surrounding me. I remember in the very early days, I had so many people around me. Just, hey, if you need anything, call me, text me. We're here. We love you. And I still felt so insanely lonely. Because... It's only me going through this experience with this baby, you know? And it's no one else here but me to go through. Like, he only has one mom. And it's only me available to be his mom. Nobody else understands what that feels like. Even though you felt that way with your children, your children were not him. So it's so personal. And I think a lot of people talk about postpartum depression or they talk about the baby blues. But I also think that there is a space right before baby news. And I think that's where I was, where I wasn't sad. I wasn't questioning my choices. I wasn't upset. I just felt really isolated and really lonely because the world is asleep at three o'clock in the morning, but I am connected to breast pumps while this baby gently snores next to me. And I have no one to talk to about how I'm feeling sitting in this diaper. You know, it's such a very, very moving feeling. That resonates with me for sure. Oh, I have a visitor coming in just one second. Okay. He just needs to see his mama. Just needs to put his eyes on you. Let's talk about his birth. Let's hear how he came into the world. Oh, yes. The most traumatic day of my life. We actually had a scheduled C-section. I was supposed to go in on Wednesday night and they were going to start my labor, start ripening my cervix. They were going to start refining my cervix Wednesday night. We expected to have a baby by Thursday. They said it could take up to three days. So my sister was supposed to be with us and she was flying out for work. And my cousin, Francesca's sister, was going to be here. She was in St. Louis on Monday. She was flying home Tuesday night. She was driving up Wednesday morning to my house because she lives in Charlotte. And she would be at my house Wednesday afternoon. We were going to go out to dinner, and then we were going to check into the hospital at 8 o'clock. Tuesday morning, about 2 a.m., I get up and I'm uncomfortable. And kind of talking and turning in bed, and I was like, you know what? These Braxton Hicks are not going to subside. I'm not going to lay down and feel comfortable. Let me just get up and get my day started. Now I'm just going to clean up. the bathroom upstairs and the guest room for Tiffany to be here. She's going to stay there. I'm going to put new sheets on my bed and get the basket and crib sheets put up. So I get up, I go use the restroom, and I walk down the hall to get something to snack on before sun.

Roxanne 39:44

To

Stephanie Theriault 39:44

get a snack. And when I got up, I went to use the bathroom. I was like, wow, that's a lot of pee. Maybe... Maybe I didn't get up overnight to use the bathroom and I thought I did. So as I walked down the hallway and I go to get a snack, there's this gush of liquid. And I was like, am I still peeing? What's happening? And I looked down and I was like, oh no, my water just broke. I was like the calmest person in labor. I was like, my water just broke. I was like, hey, my water just broke. I gotta get to the hospital. I've never seen him move so fast in my life. Never. Yeah. By the time I made it down the hallway to get to the bathroom to clean myself up again, he was like, my suitcase was already in the car. The car was warming up. I'm ready to go. So, of course, none of my support team is here. My cousin is in St. Louis. She's not flying home till that night. My sister was flying out for work that morning and she wasn't going to be back home until Thursday morning. I was like, oh gosh, what do I do? So I had a doula, of course, and two of my girlfriends that I'm pretty close with, they ended up coming. And it's funny that a couple of days before this happened, my friend Reese was like, hey, I took these days off just in case you need me for anything, you know, with labor and delivery. So it Turned out I didn't need her. She did come. So they were able to be there with me. But when I got to the hospital, you know, things were moving really slowly. I called the hospital, let them know, hey, I'm on my way. She just told me, you know, give me a urine sample if you can, you know, here, put your gown on. And when they came in to check my blood pressure, it was 200 over, I think, 100 or something like that. Wow. Okay. And the highest that my blood pressure went while I was in the hospital was 219 over 113, I think, something like that. That's high. It was insanely high. They ran me down to my room really, really quickly, got an IV in my arm. I actually had two IVs. And I was on a magnesium drip to prevent me from having a stroke or seizures. It took them about three and a half, four hours to get my blood pressure to a reasonable level. It was still very high. I was in the 140s over the 90s, but it was where they felt that it was relatively manageable at that point. And now we can focus on labor because at first they would not focus on labor at all. Yeah.

Roxanne 42:37

Yeah.

Stephanie Theriault 42:37

So it was a very long day. I was in labor for probably a couple of days because I was in pain starting on my birthday, which was the 22nd, and my son was born on the 24th. But I thought they were just Braxton Hicks. So I was just like, I'm used to being uncomfortable. Finally, we get to the hospital. We have all these blood pressure issues. And I had been in labor for so long and I had only dilated once a year. Essentially what happened was my son was not tolerating labor very well. He would have heart decelerations. Every time I had a contraction, he did not descend with the contractions. Did they augment you with Pitocin? Did you get the cervical dilation? Did they do a balloon? How was the induction process with your blood pressure? I ended up getting Pitocin to try to speed the labor up. and tried to ripen my cervix. And I feel like I got something else. I don't remember what it was. They did not do the Foley catheter though. They didn't do a balloon. We were trying to labor naturally for a while. That didn't work. And then they tried to speed it up with Pitocin. That didn't really help. I think the furthest I got was like three centimeters and it was barely three centimeters. Okay. And that's from laboring all day long. Like we were having back-to-back contractions all day It's so funny. I had this full page birth plan. I did so much work for this pregnancy. I was so very prepared. I had an entire page dedicated to my labor plan. This is what I wanted to do. This is how I wanted to do it. This is the music. I made playlists. I had like four different playlists depending on my mood and what I wanted to listen to. And it went completely off script. I got absolutely nothing out of it that I wanted, but I got a healthy baby. And that, I think my labor really taught me so much, even though it was traumatic. We ended up having a C-section because he was not tolerating labor and these heart decelerations were starting to get pretty concerning. Yeah. So I would have a contraction and my nurse would just come running in the room. It's like, okay, mom, let's, let's try a different position. And you can see the panic on her face, but she's being very, very calm. She's like, let's try a different position, you know? And it, that was the whole day. Like there was no rest. I did not want an epidural at all and ended up actually getting one because we thought that if I wasn't reacting to the pain, as much that my blood pressure could go down a little bit. Yeah. And that helped a touch. You know, it took us down a little bit. I did get some rest a bit, but then even though I wasn't feeling contractions, not responding well to them and the doctor came in and said, listen, it's getting concerning. It's not at the point where it's an emergency. If we do it now, you know, we're not rushing to do it as opposed to hauling it down to the operating room. Right. So I was like, you know what, at this point, as long as you can send my son home safely and healthy, I'm fine with it. Let's just, let's go do it now. You know, let's get him out now because he is really struggling in there. And I just remember getting wheeled down to the OR and the nurse is like, Hey, you're going to meet your baby.

Roxanne 46:05

Yeah.

Stephanie Theriault 46:11

And I just kept telling myself, like, you're going to meet your baby. And that's it. That's the only thing to focus on at this point. Don't focus on the birth plan. Don't focus on anything crazy, anything outside of that. Like you are going to meet your baby and he is going to be healthy. It was this sort of full circle moment, the way things happened. The nurse that took care of me all day long until her shift ended at seven o'clock that night. was a nurse that I met when I went in for some tracing. His heart rate wasn't tracing properly and they sent me to the hospital. And she was like, oh, he's fine. And she took care of me that afternoon. And I was like, oh, you're so sweet. We were chatting. And I was like, I hope you're here when I come to have my son. And she actually ended up being the nurse taking care of me when I went to have my son. That's so sweet. My nurse that was assigned to me when I first got to the unit around 4.30 that morning, five o'clock, Shift change was at 7. And that nurse was fine. And she was, you know, nice enough. But then when the nurse came in, she was like, hey, I'm Nurse Jen. And I was like, wait, my Nurse Jen? And she started laughing. She's like, I didn't know if you would remember me. But she remembered me. So I already had this sort of connection with her. And we were friendly. So she took care of me all day. And then the nurse that took over from her, her name was Rosie. And my mom's name was Rosalyn. And we called her Rosie. really like sweet, perfect moment where the nurse who was with me when I had my son had my mom's name. And she was holding my

Roxanne 47:41

hand

Stephanie Theriault 47:42

when I had my son. It was really, really, really sweet. You know, the way that it all kind of turned out. The doctor that did my delivery was the doctor I intentionally went to that practice to see. And I actually never saw her. The first time I saw her was for labor. Everything just happened the way that it needed to happen. And I think It's something a lot of people don't talk about when you have a C-section or just you're in labor all day. After I saw the baby, after he was born, they said, we're going to take him to the NICU. His blood gas was a little low. He's fine. You know, they're going to give him some oxygen. They're going to bring him back for you in a few hours. And I remember just being so exhausted from labor that I sort of laid on the table and I guess I fell asleep or I passed out. And I remember thinking, oh my God, did I just die? you're like freezing cold because it's so cold in there i'm just like wait did i like i can't open my eyes did i die and i remember hearing the doctor and i was like okay tap into what she's saying yeah and she's talking about some restaurant and i said okay if you had died she would not be talking about a restaurant right now So maybe you're sleeping. It was so because I just like, I saw my son and then I just went out. Yeah. I mean, I had been in labor since like harder labor since like two in the morning. And now this is 10, 15 at night. So this is a long day of labor and chaos and emotional highs and lows, you know? So I was like, okay, you're just, you're just like. Oh, the letters. She lets him bang on it when she's in her office. So now he's banging on it. Knocking it to the floor. This is motherhood, guys. Absolutely. But I remember just kind of cracking one of my eyes open and I'm like, okay, okay, I'm still alive. Everything is fine. Oh my gosh. After the shakes were off, because of course you have the shakes. They took me to recovery and they brought the baby in to stay with me for, he was in there for probably about 45 minutes. Then they took him out to the NICU. But it was, it was just the strangest day. I mean, I was terrified that I was going to have a stroke or, you know, start having seizures or something would happen to the baby with heart decelerations and everything. I had this picture-perfect pregnancy, right? I ate what I wanted. I only gained about 25 pounds. I came and went to that place. The work was a dream. I had this wonderful support system. I had so much love. I had so much joy. I was just so excited to be having this amazing baby. And then here we are, the day of labor. It's just this very, very traumatic experience. And I felt like It was a humbling experience and I felt like it was God's way of saying you cannot control everything and you've got to accept that at this point. And it sort of reminds me constantly that you're going to have to go with the flow sometimes being a parent. These kids are going to do exactly what they want to do. They are their own people. And my son showed me like, hey, you have a plan, but I'm going to do this my way. coming to the world. That's what I say to my patients. The baby is in charge. We can do whatever we want to the mom with medications. We can do whatever we want. But at the end of the day, they're in charge. And when they get here and they're earth side, they absolutely run the show. And they have personalities just Even as little as they are, they have these personalities. My son is so headstrong. He will get to do what he wants to do. He's 11 months old and he knows what he wants, when he wants it, and he is absolutely going to get it from you, whether you want to give it to him or not. He knows how to get it. He's back at the keyboard again. One other thing that people don't talk about quite as much is the insane amount of anxiety that you can have when you're pregnant about the weirdest things. And I think especially in my situation where I wasn't able to get pregnant and I really felt like this was my one and only shot. I mean, I was obsessively clean. My Google search history was the most insane. Like I changed cleaning products in my house. I was so, so careful. I would not, you know, I was like, oh, you can have a piece of ham. It's fine. I'm like, no, listeria. You know, no ice cream, listeria. I just would not. And I remember very normal parts of pregnancy scared. You know, sometimes you have a little bit of spotting. And I had a pinprick of blood, just the tiniest bit. And I burst into tears and started crying and was just so freaked out by it and really tried to get myself to understand, like, these are normal things. And you're okay. And the baby is okay. And I just felt like this was my one and only chance. And I got so lucky. we did all of this genetic testing because I was older and he was perfectly fine. There were no issues. There were no complications with him. And I was like, this is my only chance to do this. Even though it may not have been, you know, you sort of get it in your head and these anxieties just manifest. And here we are a year later, this happy, healthy boss of mine, you know, here making noise and growing and, you look back and you're just like, man, what a journey. You know? What a journey. And it's just begun. I know. We're planning his first birthday party. You know, me and like 80 of my closest friends. It's insane. But you know, it's just, it's such a joyous event that he is here and that he is so happy and just well-adjusted and We present you with a level of love that I think you just never existed. I remember talking to my cousin, my cousin's sister actually, Tiffany came to stay with me for a couple of weeks when he was born just to help me sort of adjust and to be there to support. And I remember saying to her, like, she has two kids. And I was like, you went through this twice? Like, I can't imagine having this much emotion for any one person.

Roxanne 54:49

Yeah.

Stephanie Theriault 54:50

And they just, they unlock a different part of you. And, you know, I always joke and say that I don't have intense emotions like everybody else. So it's very easy for me to like stop talking to people or to go through a breakup, like those kinds of things. I don't have a lot of logic. So I'm like, oh, well, this makes sense. Let's just move on. And I remember... Just thinking like, oh my God, I have every single emotion in the world for this one kid. You know, I can't do this again. That's too much. But they unlock a level of love that you just did not know existed at all. Thank you for sharing. Things are getting a little, I can hear some chaos coming from outside. Absolutely. It's fine if you needed anything else, definitely let me know. It was great. And thank you for sharing everything and just being open. This is such a great project and a great way for everyone. everyone just to get on here and just be open and honest and talk about our experiences and the journeys and the ups and the downs. And we all have a unique story, right? We all want to share. And thank you. I really, really appreciate it. And it's been my pleasure chatting with you too. You too. Thank you so much and good luck with the project. Thank you. We'll be in touch. Okay. All right. Bye.

Roxanne 56:33

you